i am a small church pastor

small victories

2010-07-26T11:15:00.002-10:00

in a small church you notice everything. you notice when someone is new, and you notice when people are gone. when you notice a visitor you heart leaps into your throat, pulse quickens, you want to stop what your doing a beg them to stay (been there done that). you notice new babies, new shoes, new hairdos, new seating locations, new alliances being formed, new levels of gruntle, and new stains on the carpet. but because you see everything you also see new victories that might get overlooked.
our offering takers consist of two little girls about seven or eight years old. they are as cute as little bugs and smile every time they get to take the offering. they are a delight to all of us...it was one of those things that the people actually praised me for...having the kids paid huge relational dividends. but sunday was exceptionally rich when out of the blue i asked one of the girls to pray for the offering. it was a sweet innocent little prayer that made GOD smile and all of us feel so lucky to be in a church that is small enough to notice the wonder of a child acting in a pure and loving manner towards her heavenly father. it was like the woman pouring expensive perfume out all over the feet of her savior. just a simple but extravagant act of love. oh GOD give us eyes to see the wonder and miracle of your people in the simple victories that are being won all around us.

it could turn on a dime

2010-06-27T06:56:00.002-10:00

its sunday morning...i have to preach in a few hours...i am always nervous...the topic today is the creation of man...i am created in his image...is this what he had in mind? did he really intend for me to second guess...have major doubts...wonder if this is the day the people will just leave and never come back. you see no matter how good or bad it might be, there is that sick feeling that no matter how well it goes, one word misspoken could send a family or two down the road. a couple of families lost could completely turn the tide...it could mean the beginning of the end.
this does not make one feel confident...to know that on a whim or a word the whole thing could unravel. how can this be what he designed me to be...this must be a result of the fall. because that part of me that wants to be everyone's friend and have great success in ministry is dependent on the people feeling good about this message. that part of me that says trust and obey...for there's no other way...to be happy in Jesus...than to trust and obey...is not a loud voice in my ear right now. it seems like a song you can sort of hear from a few houses down. it's like an old credence clearwater song...so familiar you can make it out...but not loud enough that you feel confident singing the lyrics too loud.
so this is my attempt to move closer to the source of the sound. to admit i am helplessly lost in my own mind and self. i want to sing the song with confidence...but i'm afraid i'll sing the song wrong...disaster is right around the next corner...but i have to walk around the corner...cause that is also where the source of the music is coming from...hey look...there's a dime on the ground.

hey...what's your name?

2010-06-21T11:58:00.003-10:00

you know...for years i did not know the names of hundreds of people who knew me. i mean i would probably recognize them in a police lineup if they were being accused of attending my church. but i couldn't tell you their name...birthday...kids...spouse...dog...i couldn't really tell you if they were a follower of Jesus...but i was their pastor...as pathetic as that sounds it is even more pathetic to be. i remember talking to some of the staff guys one day and them admitting that they did not know the name of one of our pastors wives...strange...odd...weird as it may sound...it was far too normal.
i don't like it one bit. it's hard to really be a pastor to someone when they are just your 3:00 appointment. you have maybe an hour (if you break all the rules) to get to know something about them, what makes them tick, what they need...and then give them some kind of direction/hope/advice/insight/encouragement. it is the worst feeling in the world...and in some cases...it may be the last time you ever speak to them again.
it is hard coming to a small church from a big church. you know everyone's name, spouse, birthday (mostly), kids...i even know the names of the dogs. but a feeling of separation and distance is still there at times...its not them its me. do i risk being close...do i risk getting to know more than i want to know...if i know am i obligated to act. if i know the hurt and mistakes and the gross sins will i be able to look them in the face with a love and compassion or will it be a sneaky suspicion or a judgmental glance. i'm learning that in some cases, anonymity is a valuable tool...you can go about your day thinking either the best or the worst about your church without ever having to actually get your hands dirty. you can preach messages that may or may not actually apply to anyone in your church.
being bigger is not better...but nor is being smaller better. being better is better. i'm trying to get better.

the nameless and faceless

2010-05-24T13:32:00.003-10:00

He was in the world, and though the world was made through him,
the world did not recognize him. John 1:10

you know i've been in the "show"...yeah...the big time...the big church. i've seen the way people look at them...them...those people who are too stupid or too backwards to actually have the success we did. i mean i have sat there on the throne of success and wondered if those guys should even be allowed into the meetings. so what...so they have to work another job. they have to drive a bus and take in foster kids to survive. if they just tried harder, or read the right books they would have the skills necessary to grow a church...a church large enough to support themselves. but they just keep slogging on...year after year...with no visible means of success. it is amazing how dismissed you are when you are the small church. worse, when you are the pastor, no one cares what you think. no one asks you what your secret to mediocrity is. they don't really want to know. they also let you get away with whatever you want....their not going to help you, or call you, or offer to lend a hand. they're not going to question you about what your doing cause they don't want to have to try and replace you now that you have shrunk the church down to a size you can handle. it begins to feel as if even JESUS has left you...forsaken you...even though he said he wouldn't.
and then you read this passage from john 1. imagine for just a moment that JESUS know's what it is like to feel forgotten and forsaken. imagine he can meet you and say..."yeah, you think you got it bad? i made the whole place...shaped the trees and created the endless quantity of beetles and bugs...these folks...they just don't get it." i know he knows how i feel at times...understands the emotion we feel...i sense it. but there is at times such and overwheelmingness at being the only one who seems to care...the only one who tries. we have to do it all...everything...if its going to get done we have to do it...the lack of everything. i even lusted after a decent paper cutter.

and yet...JESUS knows our needs...he knows what only we pray about. he identifies...with us. he took a difficult situation and endured it...what? you want me to too? keep going...don't give up...man...what are they teaching up in the show this week?

it is a dirty job...

2010-05-20T09:46:00.001-10:00

John 1

¹In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. ²He was with God in the beginning.

³Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. ⁴In him was life, and that life was the light of men. ⁵The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it.

so i'm reading john chapter one, verses 1-5. in this passage i realize that the truth of it is way beyond my pay grade…i can never understand the fact that the word was in the beginning and somehow the same and somehow different. but as i keep reading in verses 3, it says that he makes all things…hey Jesus…could you make me some people to come to my church. i mean i have some and i'm grateful for most of them, but Jesus it would help me out so much…i mean i could do all the cool things i have visions and ideas for if you would just make some people to come here…now you can create new ones…or get some of yours you already have come here…i don’t really care. but see i have this plan to be a big church and i'm really hoping you will help me…can you accommodate this request?

i’m reading on and i see that in you is life and that life is the light of men. i mean i think i know what that is…i mean i want that…i want that to work for me…to guide me and direct me…but if i’m honest…and i am…i want it to draw people in so my church will grow. i am in the business of drawing people in…i get paid better if i have a bigger crowd…i get my name in the trade journals if i grow a bigger crowd…i get honors and recognition from the other small church pastors who will then want to know what i did. and I’m sure i will humbly tell them that i trusted in you and i turned it all over to you…after all it is your church and you want it to grow. but verse 5 says that the light shines into the darkness…and the reality is i have tried to harness your power so that i could get the recognition i so desperately want…i’m not much different than simon the sorcerer…looking for the next thing to help me in my bizness…wow…that light is shining pretty bright. can you turn that down...just a little...